Newsletter: Navigating the holidays as gender-diverse individuals
Plus, the city will continue using Flock automated license plate readers
We just wanted to take a mindful minute to thank everyone who has contributed to our end-of-year fundraiser so far. If the season of giving is calling to you, we’d appreciate any support you’re able to provide to help us reach our $20k goal. The money will be used to host more listening sessions and community conversations in 2026.
The holidays are rapidly approaching, and while for some that comes with feelings of joy, for many it’s not the relaxing, comfy getaway the season is often associated with.
For some gender-diverse people — including transgender, nonbinary, intersex, gender fluid and other gender queer individuals — the holidays can bring forward uncomfortable, dysphoric and even unsafe situations and feelings.
As the coordinator for the Gender Advocacy Project at the North County LGBTQ Resource Center, Myshell Thomas works to bridge the gap between gender-diverse experiences and forces that don’t welcome those people as they are.
As a trans woman, anxiety around the holiday season is something Thomas has personal experience with.
Thomas came out as transgender at 35 when she moved to San Diego. Upon her arrival, she said she had virtually no resources or support network. She was unhoused and dealt with substance abuse, relying on sex work to survive. At that time, the holidays didn’t hold great importance to her, and she said many trans women have lived similar experiences that make it hard to enjoy the season.
“There's just been a lot of trauma, that it's hard to really experience the joy of the holidays,” Thomas said.
But, she said her tenacity and support from organizations like the North County LGBTQ Resource Center jumpstarted a healthier life and her activist roots.
About five years after moving to San Diego, Thomas went back to school, was heavily involved in queer organizations in the city and volunteered for the center before being hired for her current position. She said her “life started over” and her gender journey began because of her move from Nebraska.
Thomas said she increasingly noticed how much disparity there is in the trans experience, as well as the variety within the wider gender-diverse community.
“Everybody wants to label you into this one lump situation so that they can wrap their brain around what that experience must be like,” Thomas said. “You're going to find variations in a community, and that's the beauty that I see.”
Brin Balboa grew up not knowing how to articulate how they truly felt about their nonbinary identity, and they said their home environment — coming from a traditional Chinese and Filipino immigrant family — only complicated this comprehension.
“I've always felt stuck in between something,” Balboa said. “Our views and roles of gender are very strict in terms of what a man is expected to do around the house versus a woman.”
They said they ruminated on how unfair it felt that their male-identifying family members got to lounge around during the holidays while the women did all the day-to-day household tasks.
Balboa said they’ve been dreading and trying to ignore the holidays, as they feel it causes an internal and external conflict that cisgendered people, especially family, can’t fully empathize with.
They expressed fear in feeling the need to explain their identity, and it keeps them from sharing this key part of themselves with most family members. As immigrants whose primary language isn’t English, Balboa said their family lacks the linguistic and cultural tools to understand gender the same way Balboa — or some other English-speaking families — do.
“I want my family to know who I am, who I truly am, but I also just don't know how to explain that to them in ways that would be productive,” Balboa said.
Balboa said the holidays are meant to be a time to enjoy the people you love most and reflection, but they feel they must constantly explain themself, and justify the way they dress and present, leading to more arguments.
They said the holidays make them feel guilty and stressed, because it seems like, at the end of the day, it’s easier to put on an act.
“I feel like for the most part, I'm just playing pretend, like I'm playing what they want me to be,” Balboa said.
They said coming out to them would likely create more division than bringing them all closer together.
Thomas said familial tension can lead to uncomfortable or unsafe living situations for gender-diverse folks.
“I deal with a lot of people who are estranged (or) living in a tentative situation where there's a lot of tension,” she said. “But, even if you're a parent who's abandoning a trans child…you're not going to cure them of their transness.”
Gabrielle Garcia, the head archivist for Lambda Archives of San Diego, echoed that some gender-diverse folks may not be in touch with their biological or legal family, and that regardless of who they’re with, the holidays can be a draining time.
Gathering for holidays often brings more political conversations among family members, along with misgendering, arguments or inappropriate behavior toward gender-diverse people, Garcia said.
They said their parents have accepted Garcia’s sexual identity but struggle more with understanding their gender. But Garcia said that’s “good enough,” especially with respectful siblings that see and address them more consciously.
“It's better than nothing,” Garcia said. “It's one of those things where I'm the youngest sibling in my family (and) I'm the only ‘girl’ in the family, so my parents have a very gendered way of viewing me.”
But, Garcia said, it’s not malicious, it’s just hard for them to change the habit, which means it’s not a battle Garcia feels the need to fight more.
Finding solace and strength
Thomas, Balboa and Garcia all stressed the importance of leaning on chosen families during the holidays, meaning those close people in their lives who provide gender-affirming emotional, financial and other forms of support.
Balboa said their chosen family took the confusion they had and showed that they aren’t alone in those ideas and feelings. They said there’s something beautiful and helpful about finding people who can relate to each others’ shared gender identities.
“What keeps me grounded during the holidays is knowing that there are people that love and care about me and know me for who I am,” Balboa said. “If not for my community, I don't know where I'd be.”
Garcia emphasized that chosen families can be built at any time and anywhere, and this group can certainly consist of allies.
“Sometimes it's seeking out certain members of the family who you know are more respectful, to speak to them, have them use the correct pronouns or names, to help normalize that,” Garcia said.
They recommended folks take advantage of their support systems or set up new ones in advance. This can look like a phone call to a confidant to vent, taking time to journal after a stressful moment or joining folks at queer community centers.
Thomas said the relationships she has with other trans folks are irreplaceable, and forming common communities helps build resilience against those who don’t accept gender diversity.
“Regardless of all the attacks that have come on our community…we still need to make sure that we celebrate the joy that we have, because that's the thing they're trying to take away from us,” Thomas said. “The only way to combat that is to take care of ourselves, take care of each other, lift each other up and show that you can't erase us.”
If you or loved ones are in need of urgent support this holiday season, here are organizations providing round-the-clock virtual crisis care:
- The Trevor Project: Text ‘START’ to 678-678, call 866-488-7386 or start a chat online
- Trans Lifeline (for trans and nonbinary folks): Call 877-565-8860
- San Diego Access and Crisis Line: Call 888-724-7240
- National Suicide Prevention Hotline: Call or text 988 or video call or chat online
— Sam Barney-Gibbs
San Diego to keep using Flock automated license plate readers
In a meeting that lasted more than six hours, the San Diego City Council voted Tuesday to keep using automated license plate readers from Flock Safety. The council approved an update use policy for the San Diego Police Department to use the technology — a required step for its continued use. Hundreds of San Diegans voiced their opposition to the surveillance to the council.
— Kate Morrissey
Asylum seekers try other options in Mexico
Since President Donald Trump came back into office and shut down CBP One, a phone application that, under the Biden administration, was the only way to request protection in the U.S., migrants in Mexico have had to recalculate their plans.
— Kate Morrissey, Capital & Main
This week, San Diego has more winter holiday festivals, a yarn art workshop, no-cost food and clothing opportunities and a conversation on the history of deportation. We also have separate lists of upcoming food distribution events and other holiday season happenings.
— Lauren J. Mapp
Other news
According to ABC News, the city of San Diego has agreed to a $30 million settlement with the family of a 16-year-old who was fatally shot by a police officer last January, in what would be one of the largest police-involved killing settlements in U.S. history. City council is set to vote on the payout, which would come from the Public Liability Fund.
A proposed class-action lawsuit alleges that Sharp HealthCare secretly used an AI tool to record more than 100,000 doctor-patient conversations without required consent and claims of patients agreeing to the use of the tool, according to a class-action lawsuit reported on by KPBS.
San Diego County approved $2.5 million in state grants for first-time low- and moderate-income homebuyers, aiming to aid with affordability and generational wealth-building, says the County News Center. The grants would help with down payments, closing costs and low-interest deferred loans for an expected 34 homes.
Upcoming Events
Dec. 12
Winter Fest: The Spring Valley Community Center is hosting Winter Fest, a free family event including a night of games, arts and crafts to celebrate the holidays. For more information, call the County of San Diego's Parks and Recreation at 619-479-1832. 4 - 7 p.m., Spring Valley Community Center, 8735 Jamacha Blvd., Spring Valley, CA 91977
Towards a Queer Historiography: Photographic Practices and the Archive: San Diego City College History of Photography students are hosting an exhibit recreating and reinterpreting moments from LGBTQ+ history based on collections from the Lambda Archives of San Diego. 5 - 7 p.m., San Diego Pride Office, 3620 30th St., San Diego, CA 92104
Black Nativity: Common Ground Theatre's production of “Black Nativity: The Promise, The Praise, The People” will hit the stage for just four performances. This reimagining of Langston Hughes' classic is directed by Yolanda Marie Franklin featuring the gospel sound of Eddie Baltrip and Fulfillment. Dec. 12 at 6 p.m., Dec. 13 at 3 p.m. and 6 p.m., and Dec. 14 at 3 p.m., Morse High School (New Theater), 6905 Skyline Drive, San Diego, CA 92114
Black Trans & Nonbinary Community Group: The San Diego LGBT Community Center is hosting a space for Black trans, gender nonbinary and gender non-conforming folks to receive and provide peer support through discussion. The group meets in person the first and third Fridays of each month. 6:15-7:45 p.m., 3909 Centre St., San Diego, CA 92103
Dec. 13
Green Corridor Holiday: Mundo Gardens, Urban Collaborative Project CDC, Vision Culture Foundation, Elementary Institute of Science and Tree San Diego are hosting a holiday celebration in the Southeast San Diego/National City Green Corridor community. The event features hot cocoa, arts and crafts, holiday music and a toy giveaway. 9 a.m. - Noon, Palm Ave. and Division St., National City, CA 91950
Water and Kindness Free Store: Every Saturday, Water and Kindness hosts a free store at Popup Winona where visitors can donate items or get needed supplies. The group is seeking donations of baby formula, bags, blankets, diapers, first aid items, harm reduction supplies, hats, gloves, hygiene products, mobility aids, rolling carts or wagons, shoes, sleeping bags, socks, tarps, tents, undergarments, and water. 10 a.m. - 2 p.m., 4951 El Cajon Blvd., San Diego, California, 92115
Winter Fair at North Park Vegan Market: Viridian Productions presents a winter fair-themed North Park Vegan Market with a Santa photo booth and seasonal food and beverages. Noon - 4 p.m., North Park Mini Park, 3812 29th St., San Diego, CA, 92104
Prophecy Opening Reception: “Prophecy: Joy Futurism in a World Renewing” — a one-week art exhibition — is opening with a reception including cacao, food and time to mingle with the artists and other attendees. Admission is free, but RSVP here to reserve a meal and drink. 4:30 - 8 p.m., 147 W San Ysidro Blvd., San Diego, CA 92173
Where Does Deportation Come From?: Zócalo Public Square, MacArthur Foundation, Times of San Diego and Bread & Salt are hosting a conversation on deportation with Kelly Lytle Hernández and Alex Rivera. RSVP online. 6 - 8 p.m., Bread & Salt, 1955 Julian Ave., San Diego, CA 92113
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